Nostalgia critics are just about the worst thing that has ever happened to gaming. These are the critics that think Super Mario Bros. was the pinnacle of gaming. They think just because something was great when they were 8, it still is, despite the fact that maybe they were just 8 and could be occupied by a silly putty for hours on end. Now they’ve gotten their hands onto the Secret of Mana remake (it released on February 15), and boy are they salty.

The crux of arguments made by critics like Jason Schreier seem to be that the remake does everything worse by doing it exactly the same. For instance, Schreier points out the music as a huge flaw in the game, citing its “dissonant melodies” and “irritating screeches”, but seems to conveniently forget that Secret of Mana’s music was always kind of janky. Yes, it is kind of discordant and jarring, but maybe that’s because that’s what it always sounded like. You either like it, or you don’t, and while opinions may differ on if the new version ruined the soundtrack, Schreier even points out that you can switch to the original soundtrack.

That’s right, one of the biggest negatives about the Secret of Mana remake is that they gave you the choice to switch between the original soundtrack or a remastered version whenever you want. What a bunch of pieces of shit.

But the offenses don’t stop there. That’s right folks, they kept the gameplay intact. Just like in the original, enemies can be knocked down, making them temporarily invicible. The game also features a recharge mechanic on attacks (just like the original, but quicker), that requires patience and strategy in fights. While combat is essentially identical in every way except that it is cleaner, we clearly hate Square Enix for it and will complain about how slow combat is. But we still the combat in the first game. Why, you ask? Because they were 2D, and that makes things automatically better. These ones are polygons, and that makes them worse because.

So what else did these bastards do you ask? Multiplayer. They kept multiplayer in. Don’t get us wrong; we loved multiplayer in the original, and so did Schreier, but when playing this one with his girlfriend, he realized it was boring. Does he have reasons? No, because nostalgia critics don’t need reasons. They fly high on the euphoria of memories and emotions, not logic and reasons.

The multiplayer of the original was buoyed by the fact that we were 8 and our brother was finally letting us play with him, but the new multiplayer is worse. It might seem weird that it’s worse considering it’s basically the same – except they did stop the game from freezing every time someone casts a spell, but shut up, that doesn’t matter. We know that we complained about how enemy invincibility adds unnecessary seconds to a fight, and we know that the changes to multiplayer take those seconds right back, essentially making combat smoother and faster than it’s ever been, but it is worse because it’s new.

So what do nostalgia critics casually gloss over? Well, how about any of the updates. You can now play with two friends instead of one, combat casting with friends doesn’t freeze combat, they have two soundtracks to choose from for newer players who might dislike the dated original, they added cut scenes that are basically just the dialogue scenes from the original, they added a game log, and they added trophies. Oh, if you pre-ordered, you also got a Tiger Suit and Moogle Suit – no, this Moogle suit.

What else don’t critics mention? How about that Secret of Mana was always kind of not that great. The characters were bland and without much more than a paintbrush dab of personality for a somewhat meandering story. The menu was an absolute nightmare – and it really isn’t much better this time around. The animations were adorable, but the game also quickly became stale, especially with the fact that many areas required grinding for levels and cash.

Secret of Mana was a mediocre game with great visuals at a time when not a lot of other RPGs existed. Have I played it dozens of times? Absolutely. I like the janky music and the visuals, but the game was flawed as hell. Also? Seiken Densetsu 3 – the sequel – was just a better game in nearly every way, but we aren’t going to get a remake of that because people have a boner for the one that came to America. If you were real fans you would have gotten emulators and ROMs like the rest of us and played the shit out of those Japanese titles.

Get over it nostalgia critics. There aren’t enough tissues in the world to deal with your sniveling.

CapsLock is a contributing author and does not reflect the opinions of EKGaming, but we’re mostly just saying that so he doesn’t get us into any trouble.